


On Impulse

by demonessryu



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24834541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonessryu/pseuds/demonessryu
Summary: Dwarves didn't always make good impulsive decisions, especially if it concerned their feelings.
Relationships: Kíli/Thorin Oakenshield
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not my usual posting schedule, but my laptop was in maintenance for a while and I only just got it back. 
> 
> I feel like I'm losing my grasp on these characters, so here's a little exercise to relearn them. I hope you like it!

It came to Thorin gradually, the realization that what had started as an innocent admiration had turned less so. Only moments ago, his attention had been ordinary approval to true aim, before meandering to the sharpness of eyes, then to the dangerously strong shoulders and arms as they manipulated bow and arrow, and finally to desire to, quite peculiarly, kiss said strong shoulder and whisper earnest compliments directly to Kili’s ear. But, it wasn’t mere base passion that newly burnt within Thorin. There was strong affection, too, a wish to see Kili’s eyes sparkle in delight as he laughed without reserve, to pamper him more than he already had, to protect him though he needed no protection from anyone, to be the one Kili confided to regarding his deepest thoughts and feelings that he concealed from even his dearest brother, to be loved with at least half the love Thorin felt for him. Thorin watched his sister-son for a moment more as he aimed at the center of the target across the empty shooting range. The smile he couldn’t keep from spreading on his face signaled his undoing. There was no coming back from this, but Thorin found that he couldn’t care less. “I love you.”

The arrow flew from the bow and landed slightly off the center of the wooden target. However, Kili hardly noticed this minor failure, having turned to Thorin with wide eyes before the arrow even landed. “You _what_?”

That wasn’t a proper way to address a king and uncle, but Thorin had never minded such transgressions from Kili. If anything, he had encouraged the casual attitude, eager to eliminate any possible distance between them. Indeed in retrospection, Thorin wouldn’t be surprised if he had started his descend to love long before today. It always did please him to have Kili close to him and he wasn’t blind to how he treated Kili differently from others no matter how he tried to be impartial. His affection for Kili was longstanding, although not always romantic in nature. Realizing there was strong history to his confession, that it wasn’t a mere fleeting whim, Thorin was more sure of his affection. “I love you.”

Kili only continued to look surprised and baffled as he tried to process this confession. Understanding that it was a lot to take all of a sudden, Thorin patted Kili’s shoulder and left him. It wasn’t until next morning, he sought and found Kili at the highest balcony of the blue mountain with the ease of knowledge earned by decades of close acquaintance. Thorin gave a warm smile to remove the nervous tension that took hold of Kili at the sight of him. It worked just as it had thousands of times before, although this time Thorin gave a different meaning to the swell of his heart at the sign of Kili’s unquestioning trust. Their people had been betrayed many times. Thorin wasn’t the only dwarf whose ability to trust had been severely compromised. Even among their own race, there was always a trace of mistrust, of expecting the worst even from those nearest to their hearts. But, not so with Kili, who relaxed at Thorin’s smile and readily held out his hand at his request, allowing Thorin to drop a fine jade comb encrusted with glittering blue jewels onto his palm. Thorin couldn’t think of entrusting his heart to anyone else. He hoped Kili felt the same about him.

Kili stared at the gift. Just as Thorin wondered if he should explain its significance – a desire and plea for intimacy and trust and commitment given only to those closest to a dwarf’s heart – he looked up to Thorin in surprise. “So, you’re really serious. I was half sure you were joking.”

Thorin nodded firmly. He had only realized and expressed his regards to Kili yesterday, but he was completely sure of its sincerity and depth, as well as his desire to devote himself to him. After all, he had known Kili all of Kili’s life. Once he found himself in love with him, he didn’t spare any time to wonder if there was any unknown side of Kili he wouldn’t love. “Our circumstances – our relation, our ages, and our stations – are complicated, but I’m very sure of how I feel for you.”

“Much stronger than I thought, I suppose,” Kili muttered, turning the comb over and over in his hand. “This was Thrain’s, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” Thorin confirmed, pleased that Kili still remembered it. He had shown both his sister-sons the wealth of their future inheritance. Unfortunately, there hadn’t been many heirlooms salvaged from Erebor, although many valuable items were forged on their exile and in Ered Luin. This particular comb, however, was one of the few items rescued from Erebor and Thorin therefore kept near to himself. “I’m surprised you remember.”

“It’s important for you. You scarcely let me and Fili touch it,” Kili said, looking at the comb closely, completely unaware of the hope his words raised within Thorin. “I was sure you’d give it to Fili.”

“I thought to do so,” Thorin admitted, smiling. “But, just my father offered it to my mother, I now offer it to you.”

To Thorin, it seemed a proper significant way to ask for an understanding, but he could see that Kili wasn’t yet convinced. He watched as Kili ran his fingers over the thin teeth. Thorin hoped he was imagining how it would be to have his hair brushed into black silk by Thorin. As all dwarfs, Kili had tended to his own hair once he was able. Not even his parents and brother were given the honor of having his back turned toward them. And as all dwarfs, there must be something within him that longed to entrust himself to someone else’s care. Even the most hardened warriors became weary with the burden of solitariness sometimes. Thorin knew this well. Very often he was lost in bleak recollections of betrayal that could only be eased by sunny smiles and trusting eyes of his own sister-son. Kili’s perpetual cheer and optimism made him happier and calmer as nothing else could. How could Thorin not love him? How could he not want to devote his life to Kili as Kili had devoted his life to him? Even before his regards for him was named romantic, Thorin had always loved him.

“Some may disapprove initially, but there are precedents to such a case,” Thorin said in a bid to convince Kili. Many thought Kili to be solely governed by his whims, but Thorin knew he wasn’t as thoughtless as people liked to think and Kili himself liked to pretend to be. He always wanted to be the best warrior and prince for their people. Thorin had seen how Kili sometimes put aside his own interests for others without anyone knowing. Some people might assume he only thought of his own happiness, but Thorin knew he wasn’t that selfish. “It won’t be easy, but I’ll make them understand,” he assured Kili.

“You will,” Kili retorted with conviction that reminded Thorin of his vow of loyalty to follow Thorin _when_ he went to reclaim their lost home. He always, more than anyone, believed in Thorin. Even when Thorin doubted himself Kili was always totally sure of his capability to make true everything he dreamt and said, no matter how far-fetched they might seem. The complete trust was encouraging as well as humbling, reminding Thorin of those who looked up to him and depended on him, and he kept Kili close to his heart for this reason, among many others. He only wished Kili would allow him to keep him even closer, safe in the desolate space in his heart he had thought none would ever fill. “That’s not what I’m thinking about.”

“I could be difficult, but while I can’t promise that I will change completely, I will respect and care for you,” Thorin stated after a moment of thought. He knew his character. He had offended Kili more than once with his irritability. Even though Kili was generally forgiving, Thorin couldn’t blame him if he hesitated when thinking about how his temper might affect their future together.

Kili shook his head. “I don’t want you to change. I don’t mind your character. Well, not usually,” he conceded when Thorin gave him a doubtful look. “I know you’ll treat me very well.”

Thorin frowned. “Do you doubt my sincerity?”

“No. You wouldn’t have given me Thrain’s comb otherwise,” he said matter-of-factly.

Kili’s continued hesitation dampened Thorin’s determination. Thorin studied him carefully for a long moment. Reply to a confession was rarely certain, but he had rested his hope on Kili’s unfailing trust and continued affection for him, for surely such uncommon devotion meant something not insignificant. But, perhaps he had completely misunderstood Kili, mistaking good nature for something more. The thought of it hurt more than he could say, but Thorin wouldn’t dream of forcing his love on his most beloved. He took a deep breath. “You don’t have to accept it if don’t feel the same I do. I’ll completely understand.”

“I do!” Kili exclaimed suddenly. While Thorin tried to take in the outburst, he went on passionately. “It’s just that this is very serious. You think of marriage, but there are so many things I want to do, both by myself and with you, that marriage will complicate. I still want to travel, work, and serve! We still have to go to Erebor and make you the king! I can’t marry you yet!” Kili explained, frowning at Thorin.

 _Yet_. Not never, but not yet. There still was hope. No, not hope. A hope was a wish for something that hadn’t been obtained and Thorin _had_ obtained what he wanted, he had Kili’s heart. The warm affection that burst in his heart was almost overpowering. His familial fondness had transformed into love as Thorin now saw in Kili a dwarf he would gladly spend the rest of his life making happy, instead of just a sister-son to lead, guide, and care for. The sheer and utter devotion and adoration were new – or at least newly discovered – but they comfortably rested deep in the heart he thought had turned into stone. Kili always had a talent for melting the hardest of people with his warmth, after all. Thorin held his emotions in check, however. He had been too hasty and forgotten the strong spirit of the dwarf he loved. He had only thought that as they had known each other for all of Kili’s life, there was no need for drawn out coy game of new lovers. But, there were indeed other things to consider. Marriage, especially with someone of Thorin’s station, was a restrictive arrangement. Of course a dwarf as young as Kili, who still had his whole life ahead of him, would be hesitant to enter into it. It wasn’t the time yet for such a binding commitment, but one day it would be, one day Kili would consent to make him his. _Yet_. How beautiful the word was!

Despite being rejected, Thorin found himself smiling. He held out his hand, earning a confused look from Kili. “I’ll keep the comb for you for safekeeping. I’ll give it back when you’re ready to have it.”

The evaporating tension surrounding Kili indicated that this was the right course to take. Kili smiled brightly as he handed the gift back to Thorin. “I’ll let you know when I want it!” he informed Thorin happily.

Thorin raised an eyebrow when Kili reached out to draw him near with a hand on the back of his neck. With their stations and relation, Thorin was usually the one who instigated such affectionate gesture, but things had changed now. As lovers, they were now equal. Thorin let Kili brought their foreheads together, then closed his eyes to savor the new intimacy and the joy of finally having someone to share his life and self with. When, their noses touched, Thorin thought Kili would kiss him. He was considering refusing as it seemed too soon when an understanding was only moments ago formed (was it an engagement if they in essence promised to marry in the future but Thorin’s gift to signify that commitment was turned down?) when Kili sighed a sigh of heavy dreams.

“I’ve always loved you,” he admitted, his voice smiling a smile Thorin couldn’t see, his palm spreading strength and warmth like a mountain home, his nearness drawing Thorin near like a lit hearth in a cold starless night.

Thorin dove in and pressed his lips on Kili’s.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is more successful than the first chapter. I guess the moral of the story is to not force myself to write when inspiration is scarce. What do you think?

Kili realized it as he was struggling with droll parchments in Thorin’s private study. He hated this task, preferring spending his time in the sunny outdoors to the gloomy indoors. However, Thorin’s company made him stay, the tedious work bearable when every now and then Thorin would come to his desk to pat him in encouragement or look up from his own work to smile at Kili. None of Thorin’s stern untouchable exterior when they were in private – _especially_ when Thorin and Kili were in private – even though Kili could see hints of weariness and exhaustion from the stress of leading a kingdom. The endearing sight made Kili greedy for more, for seeing more of such private moments and being the receiver of his hidden patience, for Thorin to feel for Kili as Kili felt for him, and Kili felt for him love as he didn’t feel for anyone else, love as he shouldn’t feel for his king and uncle, love that he nonetheless felt for Thorin. The feeling might be inappropriate, but Kili decided immediately to embrace it as it should be embraced and said, “I love you.”

Thorin went very still. Slowly, he looked up from his work to look at Kili, his face inscrutable. It was clear that he was thinking about how to graciously handle the unexpected confession. It would be easy to paint Thorin as a callous dwarf, but he wasn’t so and certainly not to Kili. To Kili, he always gave forgiveness, offered second chances, strove for patience and gentleness, aimed to make happy always. For Kili, Thorin was the dwarf who put aside his duties to keep him company, who let him persuade him to hunt or drink instead of work, who encouraged him when he was disheartened, who was behind him at every triumph and beside him at every sorrowful moment. Now, Kili could tell Thorin was considering ignoring or denying the confession to save them both from any unpleasant consequence, but Kili’s mind was set and his heart wouldn’t be changed.

“I love you,” Kili repeated it clearly. “I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

“Kili,” Thorin sighed heavily, putting away his writing utensils as his escape from the conversation was closed off. “You mustn’t.”

“But, I do,” Kili said stubbornly.

“Think of what people will say, what _your mother_ will say,” Thorin advised.

“I only care about what _you_ say,” Kili still insisted.

Thorin sighed again, heavier than the last. Kili was familiar with this reaction, having seen it many times over whenever he did something particularly reckless that Thorin couldn’t or wouldn’t stop. Thorin had always indulged him and Kili wasn’t quite above taking advantage of this and trudge on without fear. “Balin was right. I’ve spoiled you,” Thorin said as Kili smiled undaunted.

“You favor me,” Kili agreed, leaving his desk to approach Thorin. After all, they both knew that Thorin adored one nephew more than the other, that Thorin was strict to Fili but lenient to Kili, that he was less constrained when he was with Kili than Fili. Between them, there was closeness that Fili didn’t have with Thorin – that _no one_ had with Thorin. What they had was special and Kili was eager to make it even more so. As Thorin’s soldier and prince, Kili had dedicated to him many things – his life, his blood, his strength. Kili was and had always been prepared to give these to Thorin and, in extension, their people. It felt natural to also want to give his heart to Thorin, although this time, it would have little to do with dwarfs across Middle Earth. Kili’s heart had never been given or even offered to anyone, but Thorin wasn’t just anyone, he was Kili’s king, uncle, mentor, teacher, _everything_. Kili wouldn’t think to devote himself so thoroughly to anyone, but to Thorin, Kili would vow his affection, devotion, and loyalty until his bones turned into stone. To Thorin, Kili would give his whole being.

“I shouldn’t!” Thorin snarled. “I should treat you and your brother equally!”

“But, we aren’t equal, Fili and I. He’s your heir and I’m the spare. Of course you treat us differently,” Kili said to calm him.

Thorin frowned at him unhappily. “You are more than a spare.”

Kili shrugged. He was more than a spare, yet he was also not. To those close to him, he was a soldier, a nephew, a brother, a son, a friend, a dwarf with big dreams and even bigger responsibilities. But, to the dwarf race at large, he was the second prince, the spare should anything happen to Fili, a warranty for the continuation of their kingdom. “I’m the younger prince. Everyone expects less from me, even you,” Kili pointed out. After all, it wasn’t Fili who was always sent forward whenever Thorin needed convincing. It wasn’t Fili for whom Thorin withstood cheap taverns when he could easily order the finest wine and food. Nor was it Fili who sat beside him in a corner in said cheap taverns, lost in private conversations about grievances and hopes and the fleeting moments of irresponsibility. Kili smiled to Thorin, filled with love that grew stronger and rooted deeper with every passing second. The seed had been planted long ago, but now with the light of realization, it grew more rapidly, enveloping Kili not like a mithril armor – soft and light, yet stronger than any steel. “You allow to be who I am and get what I want. This is who I am and _you_ are who I want.”

Thorin pursed his lips and looked away. “You should be with someone closer to your age whose personality fits yours better than mine.”

Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but Kili thought there was an edge of bitterness in Thorin’s voice. He had known for a while, although he had never said it, that despite Thorin’s self-assured exterior, he harbored not-insignificant amount of self-doubt. Often Thorin questioned his own character and how his blood might affect him. But, if these flaws had been passed down to Thorin, then Kili had never seen them. Of course Thorin had a temper. Of course he could be difficult. More than once, Kili and his recklessness had drawn his anger and Thorin would snap and snarl and hurt with silence. But, he had always meant well and, in private and in his own ways, he always apologized. He never let Kili’s pain festered, always came to him once his anger had subsided with kind words and gentle eyes. How many hours had they spent talking about nothing and laughing away as they apologized for their mistakes? Kili had lost count. He didn’t think it mattered, anyway. He’d rather remember the happy times they had spent together, the exciting hunts, the joyful celebrations, the quiet talks, the gentle touches when the world was too harsh for them both. Thorin was made wary by age, but Kili still preferred him to the blind optimism of inexperience.

“I don’t want anyone younger. I love learning from your experience. And our personalities may be different, but the way I see it, you balance me rather than oppose me. Think of all the troubles I would’ve gotten into had you not stopped me from acting before thinking! Mother would’ve locked me away in my room and never let me out a long time ago!” Kili joked. However, the attempt to lighten the mood mostly failed. Thorin gave nothing more than a weak twitch of his lips. He doubted still and Kili couldn’t fathom why. Thorin had practically admitted his feelings for Kili and their relationship so far had indicated that they got along remarkably well despite their differences. The way Kili saw it, there should be nothing that held Thorin back. Quickly, Kili continued his argument. “And if you’re worried what people may say, I can keep quiet. I promise I won’t tell a soul – not even Fili. If people still somehow find out, you can leave it to me. I’ll tell them it’s not your fault, that it was me who made the first more, and you can…”

“Kili,” Thorin said sharply, “you’re a hunter, but I’m not your prey.” He looked at Kili pointedly and Kili drew back, chastised.

The study became heavy with silent dread. Juse because Thorin could never be angry with Kili for long, it didn’t mean that every minute his displeasure and disapproval didn’t feel like years of punishment as no one’s good opinion Kili sought more than Thorin’s. Kili looked down at his boots, waiting for forgiveness and transmitting as much regret as he was able. He had been too forward, but Thorin worried too much. It wouldn’t be easy – arguments were inevitable and Kili really wished he could shout his love for Thorin to everyone – but if Thorin agreed to try, Kili would do anything in his power to make it work.

“Is this how you court your lovers?”

Kili glanced up guiltily. “I’ve never courted anyone.” He had bedded a few dwarfs, true, but he had taken none as a lover. Relationships as Kili knew it began with mutual attraction and needs, and ended with satisfaction. However, this time, he wanted love and commitment. He had given them, too, to Thorin and wouldn’t take them back if Thorin decided to refuse him, but he truly wished Thorin would give the same to him, give Kili at least half the affection and dedication he had given to their people. Kili wouldn’t presume he could be Thorin’s most beloved, but he wanted to be the one who saw the softer private side of Thorin, the one Thorin turned to when the world was mean, the one Thorin allowed to love him as he should be loved.

“Never? I was sure that you have. I have seen you with some dwarfs.”

“They were nothing serious. There was no courting involved from either end,” Kili admitted. “I’ve never felt strongly for anyone but you. You know I’d do anything to serve you, but this is different. I want to make you smile. I want you to tell me what you tell no one else. I want to tell you things I’ve never told anyone and share with you things that make me happy so that you may be happy, too. You’ve given me so much, but I want more of you and I want to give more to you.”

Thorin looked shocked at the verbal confirmation of what Kili had been saying from the start. He thought about it for a long moment and at long last, broke his silence, “ _I_ have been courted. It was a long time ago by a friend of Dwalin – don’t bother looking for him, he’s dead. He was a happy lad with a gift for storytelling and arts. You couldn’t not smile in his presence. He pursued me for months, sent me gifts and wrote me letters and made excuses to see me and talk to me. But, it was all done within the line of propriety – never once did he misstep and he always made sure I was comfortable to truly turn him down if I wanted. It was long ago, but I still hold the memory of those very flattering months and the couple of years that followed very dear to me.”

Kili’s face fell as his heart sank. He knew there was a chance of rejection, but it still hurt to hear that Thorin preferred someone else, someone with experience Kili didn’t have. And _couldn’t_ have as Kili thought it was both deplorable and unthinkable to court anyone just so he could seduce Thorin better later on. “I’m sorry. I’ll never mention this again,” he said dejectedly, beginning to walk back to his desk.

“Kili,” Thorin said exasperatedly. “I’m telling you how to court someone.”

“Oh!” Kili exclaimed, eyes wide with surprise and then bright with joy. His heart was suddenly full and there was no stopping the wide smile spreading on his face. He was reclaiming the distance between them, ready to promise Thorin the world and then more when he remembered that he was supposed to be courting him – properly this time. Thinking quickly, Kili reached behind his head and deftly removed his hair clasp. It was only silver and had no gemstone for decoration or distraction from its flaws, but Kili had made it himself to prove that he was truly a dwarf even as he denounced the partially-encouraged greed by refusing to use gold or mithril which had been at his disposal.

“Will you have this?” he asked eagerly. “It’s all I have for now – I’ll find something better later!”

Thorin laughed a rare sincere laughter that did wonders to Kili’s heart. How handsome he was when he was carefree, forgetting the weight of history and world on his shoulders. This was a view Kili aimed to produce and reproduce and maintain and he said so to Thorin unthinkingly, making him shake his head with an amused smile. Kili’s heart leapt in his chest when he picked the gift up from Kili’s open palm.

“This is very lovely. You always have keen eyes, if unusual taste.” Thorin turned the hair clasp over and over again in his hand. His fingers brushed Kili’s symbol once, twice. Then, he looked at Kili with a warm smile. “I look forward to your next attempt. Although, not before you finish your work here,” he quickly said as Kili rummaged through his pockets.

Kili happily returned to his work. Whenever he was tired of the tedium, he would look up and see Thorin hard at work and think of the privilege he had been given. He would then smile again, his spirit restored, and he returned to his task. When Kili was finished, he was quick to ask Thorin to accompany him for a walk around the mountain. He was turned down, but with a fond smile. So, Kili tried again and again and again over the next few months. Sometimes he came with gifts of goods and offer for good company, sometimes not. Sometimes he succeeded in pleasing Thorin, sometimes not. Sometimes Thorin would indicate his happiness for the attention, sometimes not. However, one constant was Thorin’s lack of discouragement. Kili seized the silent permission eagerly and continued his attempts until finally, one day, Thorin walked with him through the winding halls of the Blue Mountain and slipped his hand into Kili’s. He spoke little of his affection, but he always made it clear that it was there in private actions and the defiance when he let Kili walk beside him under the public’s eyes. When he told Kili he loved him when they first laid in bed together, skin to skin, heart to heart, it was almost redundant, but Kili accepted it all the same, pulling Thorin down onto him and continued what he knew was to be the endless love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can be found on [tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/).

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter: Kili! It's going to be completely separated from this, not a continuation of this story. I just add it as a second chapter because they have the same theme.
> 
> Stay safe, stay at home if you can, stay informed. Feel free to talk to me on tumblr if you need company. I can be found on [tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/).


End file.
